highperformanceturtle

This is officially Kenneth Ewart. Say hi, Kenneth.

“Hi Kenneth.”

First up, I have to warn you: he is not a Fairy, strictly speaking, so don’t call him that. He’s got wings like a Fairy, even if they’re pitch black, and he can make magic like a Fairy, but he’s not exactly a true, pure-blooded fancy ooh-la-la Fairy… pure-blooded being the operative word.

Truth be told, he’s not certain what his other half is. Some whisper that the donor his since-dead mother used was a Fuath, and that does seem to fit best, given all that hair and the nose, but then why the wings at all? Others prefer to pin the species on an each-uisge; still others, a Nix; and none of his Supernatural-Fannish research is leading him to a real answer. So, he thinks, why not just sod the technicalities and use the broadest term available: an Unseelie?

Unseelie is a Gaelic word, used mostly to refer to the Evil subset of the fairy courts. Kenneth ISN’T as bad as he sometimes sees himself as -

“Yes I am.”

No you’re not. As someone told me lately, you can be bad without being cruel, and you’re not cruel.

“Aye, but after so many folks tellin’ ya being a halfbreed child of a single mam is all yer fault, ya start to believe it after a time.”

Well, that’s their fault for not telling Unluckiness from insidiousness, then. Anyway. Right now, his sole solace is his Love of Swimming, but once he gets the time and resources, he’d like to adopt a horse, preferably wild, and be good enough of an Equestrian / Jockey to really make his detractors sit up!

The furball in the third shot is his pet cat, Dwyn. I’ve been told that Dwyn was the one who decided that enough is enough, and that Kenneth needs someone to love and bring him out of his funk and fast. (How exactly a cat of all things knows this, no one’s tellin’.) Either way, if you want to get to his heart, you may have to go through him too…

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Our first four qualifying singletons have stepped off the train and made it to Moonlight Falls safe and sound! They are taking refuge in a safe house that the Maker provided for photoshoot purposes; so let’s get pictures of them for the Screen Test before their tenure runs out, shall we?

First up, Fabala “Fae” Thropp! Who I keep wanting to call Ephie out loud for some reason.

Misunderstood bookworm and practicing Witch, Fabala has been accused more than once of being an Animal loving loner. Since losing her best friend Chistery, a winged monkey who was always full of good advice, she’s become a bit more rebellious, it’s true. There’s hardly a day that goes by now when she isn’t flying above a parade on her broomstick or organizing protests on behalf of Animal rights.

Her skin color has made her stand out in an awkward way right from birth. When people aren’t pestering her about that, they’re deliberately mistaking her allergy to water for hydrophobia just so they can point and laugh whenever she’s caught away from home without her umbrella. You’d think being different in Midnight Hollow wouldn’t be such a big deal.

In the hope that someone can be found to tolerate her many quirks without feeling the need to berate and belittle, Fae’s signed herself up for Kenneth Ewart’s Bachelor Challenge. While excited to meet the young Unseelie, she hopes he won’t be serving purely meat-laden dishes. Veggies are much more her thing.

When asked to describe herself, she said simply:

“I’m fond of the color black, as you can probably tell, and the mystique of Egyptian music. I also make a mean Veggie Burger if you’re into that.”

Next, Ellis Sterling!

Love is like an open book, only if that book is open indoors on a dark and cloudy night. Ellis is desperate to find someone to love - anyone will do as long as they don’t eat garlic. Yes - he’s a vampire! He is a bit of an old fashioned party animal, night owl, supernatural fan, animal lover (he spent a summer watching Aunt Hilda’s strange cat Salem) and a technophobe.
[...]
Everyone seemed to be making lovely ladies so I wanted to make a lovely man. Who is scared of being outside for too long. And doesn’t like technology. Come to think of it, how he’s gotten through life so far is amazing.

Cinder Silvanus gave me… trouble, to say the least.

Cinder is an outgoing and charismatic genie who talks way to much and hopes she never has to go back in her lamp.

Last but not least for the time being, Carlotta Spoffard!

She’s the Netherworld’s main attraction, the Netherworld’s biggest star. Call her two-faced, call her anytime, call her Carlotta Spoffard.

Was that two references in one introduction? This doesn’t bode well.

This Aquarius used to be a freelance magician, hoping to end up Living in the Lap of Luxury. That was cut mournfully short by a fateful trip to Al Simhara, when after a gig this girl foolishly explored a mummy’s tomb and tried to come home with a pricey souvenir—Some gems! As it turns out, mummies don’t like being robbed by foolhardy magicians, and she ended up cursed. Nothing much happened until one night on stage, when her knees buckled and the mummy’s face flickered before her eyes, her hands tensing, her vision blurring, her body falling. Tragic! But just the perfect way to go for a Dramatic girl like her.

In the afterlife, with no agents and paparazzi, Carlotta spends her time kicking it up and remaining true to her Party Animalnature. When you’re already dead, no party’s too wild! Though she’s free from mortal boundaries, she’s been dead for a good while, and her mind can’t help but wander off to her crew and family, none of whom she’s seen again, be it in the Sunset Valley graveyard or the Netherworld. She might get a little Over Emotional about it from time to time, but you can curb those tears with a few cookies, mostly the chocolate ones! Don’t be too shocked if she ends up slightly Absent-Minded due to the memories of her former life she’ll get—They can end up distracting for sure, and she’ll forget even the simplest things. But she’s got a Good Sense of Humor about it all (when you’re dead, it’s a must), so even if you poke fun of her, she’ll take it in stride.

Whoever said ‘the dead don’t talk’ is completely wrong, by the by. The dead are complete blabbermouths. A poltergeist who dipped into the Netherworld nightclub Carlotta frequents (playin’ her jams on Custom music radio; being’ pals with the DJ is fantastic) happened to name-drop a strange Unseelie named Kenneth Ewart, and just might have overheard he’s in need of a partner. Well, Carlotta ain’t one to object to a little romance, and who knows, he might just be the one to help her forget the past and move to the future. She’s dusting off her white suit with the fabulous purple ribbon and setting off…

She’s the top dog in the pound, the biggest cheese around. Now how’s that for an opener from a good-looking corpse?

…The same two things again. Oh, Carlotta.

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It may be slightly different decor for whatever reason, but the fact remains that the last three contestants in the Ewart BC have straggled their way to the safe house! Shall we take a look?

Number A: Marlene Ramano!

~~Bio not provided or lost~~

Letter 2: Elisha Lake!

For thousands of years, Elisha lived in a small copper lamp, fulfilling the wishes of the occasional sim who stumbled upon him. As one might expect, the years in between were quite boring. His most recent master decided to be selfless after wishing for great wealth and love and used his last wish to free him. Before leaving his no-longer-master, he asked the man for a name, since he had only ever been referred to as Genie. The man told him Elisha, and he’s been using the name ever since.

For years, Elisha made his home in Lunar Lakes - where he adopted his surname - and studied the various types of aliens and occults there. One day, it hit him that he was no longer immortal and would age and eventually die, living an unfulfilled life.

He recalled back to what his masters had previously wished for. Some wanted power, some wanted happiness, some wanted money, but all of them wished for one thing: love. He isn’t sure if that is what he wants, but it’s a start.

Unfortunately, the use and abuse he withstood from his previous masters has hardened him and made him distrustful and outright bitter towards other people. Hopefully, people will look past that and see that there’s a lot more to Elisha than just his magic.

genius | mean spirited | irresistible | supernatural fan | light sleeper.

And absolute last of all, Jo Bennett!

She prefers to keep her looks androgynous and she is just looking for someone who accepts her for who she is! She’s a witch and sometimes she dabbles in dark magic, but not often. She’ll also tell you that all smart witches wear black, hence her wardrobe.

And that’s all from our contestants for now! Let’s end things with a slightly surreal outtake, starring Elisha being a tad too enthusiastic about standing in uncomfortable positions.

Marlene: um pardon me Elisha but what are you doing

But we are not done yet. Shortly, we will surreptitiously change the wallpaper again phase over to the man driving these people to Moonlight Falls in the first place and see if we can get some slightly pressing answers…

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“…to whatever’s up there, Dwyn, if this thing ends up crashin’ down aroond us I’ll hafta… …Um. Hey. Ye behind the camera. What are ya doin’?”

That is not your line. Your line is ‘I’m not a model, the camera turned on by itself.’

“The camera did nae 'turn on by itself’.”

Okay, okay, I turned it on, but it’s for a reason, I swear. I thought it fitting that, since the start of your Bachelor Challenge is just around the corner, we give the viewers a bit more information about yourself. Is that okay with you?

“Well, cannae do any harm, can it? Ask as much as ya like.”

So, Kenneth. You’re the figurehead of a-

You’re - you’re not gonna sit down on the sofa we provided for you?

“Nah.”

…Okay, you’re the boss. So, you’re the figurehead of a whole bachelor challenge. How do you feel?

“Lotsa things. Stoked. Nervous. Tryin’ to suppress the fear that this is gonnae crash and burn and be all for nothin’. …Mostly stoked, though. I mean, I might get a boyfriend or girlfriend outta this! Or at least someone who doesnae assume to know yer soul cus of who yer dad was! And they may even be Supernatural t'boot!”

But you live in a community of Supernaturals, so-

“And each one puts their own spin of things, their powers and identities and whatnot, so each is just as excitin’ to me, ya ken?”

I ken. What kind of things are you looking for in a partner? Ideally, I mean?

“Bein’ able to put up wi’ me, for a start. Not bein’ afraid to be themselves, either - I can be that enough for the both of us, heh. And… that’s abit it as far as guidelines go. I mean, someone who loves animals or swimming and suchlike, that’d be nice, but if it ain’t who they are to do that, it ain’t who they are.”

We also have a few questions from a friend of one of the contestants, if that’s okay?

“Fire ‘em.”

Okay. Rose asks, “What is your idea of the perfect date?”

“Oh geez. Uh. I don’t have much in the way of 'dates’ to compare an’ such? I’ve only had two of 'em, both with the same guy. One of 'em, some asshole messed with his popcorn so he had to miss half the movie tendin’ to his stomach; other of 'em, he tried to use his mind-readin’ trick to impress me but it just made me feel like shit cus we had naethin’ to talk about cus he knew what I’d say already, then that made him feel like shit and he got snotty abit it… So, any date better than that, basically.”

Yeesh. She also wonders, “If you had unlimited funds and possibilities, where would you go and what would you do there?”

“I’d probably go to Isla Paradiso, honestly! Can ya imagine? Sun, sea, sand, all kickin’ up under my horse’s hooves - I’d also get a horse - as I rode it with whoever wins this faster than a speedin’ 'Potoooooooo’… and I’ve heard they have mermaids there! Mermaids! I’ve never seen one 'round here, so that’d be a whole new ballpark. Mind you, they’d also have to gimme some stuff for Dwyn there. I’m nae goin’ anywhere without him.”

Mrow~

“Talk o’ the devil! Hey Dwyn. Ya feelin’ left out, pal? Come here.”

That’s one uncanny cat you’ve got there, Kenneth.

“Yeah. He’s my best friend.”

Any cute animal stories you wanna share?

“Cute? Dwyn? He’s a little terror! But he kens what he’s doing. He’s helped me shake off our fair share of dickheads over th’ years. He’s kinda got an intuition, ya see. That’s why he set this all up - so he can check out the people enterin’ when we get there and see if they all pass muster.”

That reminds me, you never said - how exactly does a cat go about pushing you into and setting up a Bachelor Challenge?

“…I’m sure he’ll tell ye in good time.”

On a more serious note. You know nothing about any of the contestants. Are you hoping the love of your life is among them?

“Yeah. Should worse come t’ worse, I’d hafta resign myself to a life of bachelor-dom, and even that wouldnae be so bad if it weren’t provin’ the bastards right. That I’m too Evil for love. Too freakish for it. And yeah, I’m freakish and Evil–”

No you’re not. We’ve been over this.

“Aye I am, we’ve been over that too. My point is, I dornt want anyone coming into this to just get stuck on ‘at and naethin’ else. I want them to love me the way I might love them, warts and all, not some projection a folk put up of me.”

Which automatically makes you a lot more sensible than Matthew Hicks.

Last question. Anything you wish to say to the contestants?

“Yeah. It’s a bit cliche, but: I genuinely cannae wait to meet ye all! And here’s hopin’ I manage to not fall flat on my face in front of any of ye. See ya when the show starts!”

*muffled EastEnders theme playing in the distance*

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Dev Commentary

The screen test posts have been changed up somewhat - information from bio/introductory posts has been worked in to replace the meta those posts contained, to make the context for each contestant as clear as possible.
I may have just discovered CC and the art of the pose player, but I knew nothing about OMSP.
My old graphics made Marlene's mouth look absolutely terrifying.
for the obligatory positive part of the criticism sandwich, I didn't make Kenneth's accent too annoying. Considering I was also writing Dolly a lot at the time, this is a huge accomplishment on my part /t